It's over

Ahh yes, the first chapter in my life is over. We shall call it "Extended Childhood." In a matter of two & a half weeks I will become the proud owner of a brand new, factory sealed, miniature American citizen. I will be adding to the list of the many things I have been called over the years the new title of "father." Suddenly I feel so....responsible. Believe, it's much worse than it sounds. "Responsible." The word itself sounds so...stifling.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared of the kid. What's she gonna do? Gouge my eyes out with safety scissors or one of those rubber coated spoons? Nah. I think the most bothersome part for me will be my forced transition away from my typically selfish approach to daily life. I've already warned the Mrs that I'll be passing out during the delivery. Yep, that's me -- setting expectations appropriately on the front end. It's not that I'm scared of the birthing process so much, but rather the reality of what's happenning and who it's happenning to. It's been an entirely different experience for the wife over these past months. She experiences the whole baby thing in a daily, personal way. Me -- to this point it's pretty much been "Geez, she eats a lot. What's with her?" Ok, slight exaggeration, but you get the idea. You know by now that we're denial-prone as a gender, right? I'm just predicting queeziness as my reaction to the collective weight of the revelation that will be hitting me at that moment.

The closer the delivery date gets, the more anxious I am for it to be over. I can't handle the suspense - which is why I don't like scary movies. It isn't the fear factor, just the "get it over with already" feeling. Everyone keeps saying that my life is going to get turned upside down. Ok, so let's get it over with already. Enough with the pregame festivities, let's pop that sucker outta there and get this show on the road.

Wish me luck

Confessions of a hard heart

I wonder....now that "profiling" is taboo, what do we do with the thousands of statisticians now out of work?

I think that the face of a child can say a lot...especially the mouth part of the face. (Jack Handey)

I think that it probably isn't the smartest move in the world to steal a TV when the electricity will be out for the indefinite future.

I think that government should be efficient, rational, unencumbered by needless obstacles, always operating with a clear motive....and we shall call this government..."commerce."

I think that anti-hunger bracelets are cool...but the kids in Africa are probably thinking, "Screw the bracelets you 'tard. How about some frickin' sandwiches or something."

I think that I've had enough with reality shows. How about we close out this genre with a televised death match between Tom Jones and Wayne Newton -- with nothing for weapons except their hairpieces.

I think that OJ is innocent. I mean, is he really to blame when his ex-wife & co. repeatedly launch themselves onto his new steak knife collection that he came over to show off?

I think the primary problems with an impoverished land like Africa are ignorance and corruption. Economic aid efforts are useless until this is sufficiently addressed. That being said, I think the primary problems with a rich country like America are ignorance and corruption.

Todays Haiku

People keep shouting.
Expletives are launched at me.
It turns green, then red...

What I Think - part II

I think that I'm very relieved to find out that "we" are finally pregnant after 2 1/2 years and tons of prayers, tests, procedures, a most of all dollars.
I think that I sometimes wonder whether or not it's a bad thing that I don't react to this with the same visible excitement that my wife does.
I think that maybe that's because I'm a pretty laid back person that doesn't generally react to anything, including emergency broadcast tests.
I think that it also might be because my wife has been grooming herself for her life purpose of motherhood since she was a little girl, while I've been grooming myself for a life purpose of eating & sleeping with some regularity.
I think that I have a few reservations about how I will handle being a father, and how natural I will seem at it.
I think that my patience around kids is something that could use a little improvement, as they don't tend to reason with me very well.
I think that my propensity to engage in a debate or argument with a toddler is not the most productive use of my time.
I think that I like rice, and it's perfect for times when you're hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.
I think that for the last couple of years my job situation has bothered me, as things have become stagnant and development/advancement opportunities are very rare.
I think that there are a few positives to the job, though, such as the reasonable & predictable hours, and all the flexibilities in scheduling that I've come to enjoy.
I think that I also struggle with the notion that maybe this is a "sacrifice" that I'm going to have to make -- sticking with the stable & flexible job since I'm about to have a family, rather than pursuing something with the potential for more rewards of various natures, and the more demanding schedule that comes with it.

Today's Haiku

Hey there boss, what's up?
Your halitosis kills me.
Was that said out loud?

Things that are short and anticlimactic (besides the obvious)

In response to the book tag...

Total books ever owned: Only counting the ones that I bought or otherwise acquired personally...probably around 50 (including cookbooks). My wife buys a lot more books than I do. It's just so hard for me to find a good trashy romance novel at Target these days.

Last book I bought: Just got something called Dynamic Dad or something like that. Actually the wife brought it home, if that says anything about her confidence in me. Who says sarcasm isn't a useful tool for child rearing? Who are these people to judge me?

I'm reading: Blogs, magazines, and the entire internet. Books are often too much of an investment or commitment for me (and my attention span)...and not completely necessary as long as I am growing & developing in other ways.

Five books that mean a lot to me:
This is going to be tough...
The only one that comes to mind is Catcher in the Rye. We read it in high school like most everyone else, and I recall it being the only time I every really stopped and noticed what I was reading. Something was intriguing about it, but not in an entertaining sort of way. I could tell even then that it wasn't a good thing that I could identify with Holden.

The encyclopedia was always great. Almost as if it were a wealth of knowledge or something.

The yellow pages have always proven to be a great resource to me. Haven't quite been able to commit it to memory, though. That's the way they get you hooked and keep you coming back for more. Pure marketing genius.

Any commentary, masterplot, or Cliff's notes -- always handy for telling me what exactly I am reading at the moment.

Lastly, our Principles of Conduct & Ethics handbook at work. I can't divulge the details due to court order, but there are some very valuable lessons in there.

What do I think (today, not last week)

I think that I don't really mean or believe half the stuff in the last post.
I think that dogs are great and cats suck.
I think there are certain states we could sell off without any material impact (Deleware? Come on, so we lose a few credit card companies.)
I think it's funny that me disagreeing with you makes you enlightened and me close-minded? Whatever punk.
I think that, to fully adhere to your relativistic belief system, I am by definition never wrong...relatively speaking.
I think that the "Robin Hood" school financing plan is a retarded way to solve a real problem.
I think that you can poor a ton of State money into a crappy, low performing school, but it won't really move the needle since a lot of the time you're dealing with crappy, low performing parents.
I think that parenting and community support systems have as much or more to do with aptitude, attitude, motivation, and performance than the individual teachers and school district do.
I think that breaking generational cycles of violence & teenage/single-motherhood isn't the kid's fault or responsibility, and not mine either....but do you really expect the kid or the [often] ignorant parents to fix it?
I think that when you open a can of worms you get...worms.
I think that when you open a can of whoopass you get...me.
I think that if you don't think I'm an adorable genius after reading this site, then you are terribly misguided.

I think that today's haiku (stolen idea) is especially timely, as it highlights the injustices on both sides of the illegal immigration issue in a thoughtful, yet non-intrusive way:

Run for the border

Opportunity awaits

Half price Chicklet sale

Who am I (today)?

Just posting this so I can say I am a published author...

Who am I? What makes me tick? What do I think?

What do I think?
I think that God doesn't think you're smart, but he thinks I'm funny.
I think that God isn't impressed with our career or academic achievements.
I think that a little cynicism is healthy.
I think that complete honesty is only necessary in small doses, and in the proper context.
I think doing/saying something absurd for a reaction is perfectly ok.
I think "free" is great, but since nothing in life is free...very elusive.
I think "activist" types in general are very annoying.
I think people over-estimate their impact & importance to society/political process.
I think celebrity activists are especially annoying, and not grounded in reality.
I think books are good, especially for keeping dust off the bookshelves.
I think a joke at someone's expense is fine, as long as I'm laughing at you.
I think the "entitlement" attitude is very dangerous and destructive to any progress.
I think this world/country doesn't owe you anything aside from a few basic rights.
I think you should convince me why you should get free room& board.
I think there is still a place in this world for consequences of personal choices.
I think you're an idiot if you practically worship pets and vegetables while kids are suffering from starvation & abuse.
I think Indian Reservations have run their course. Enough free rides. We stole this land fair and square.
I think at times there is more genius in Monty Python and bathroom humor than Einstein.
I think that Affirmative Action is a complex issue, and not black & white. What?
I think that drug commercials should have to write catchy jingles for the side-effects portion of their scripts.
I think the only thing preventing these catchy jingles is that there are not enough things that rhyme with "anal leakage."
I think it's perfectly normal to admire your children, but some of you need to wake up and realize that, hey, your kids really suck.
I think the concept of equality or equal rights is great, so long as you don't think we all have equal physical/intellectual aptitudes...cuz some of you people are really stupid.



What do I think is funny?
Generally, stuff like this: http://www.gordonkeith.com/wordpress/

What do I think is interesting?
Believe it or not, mother nature stuff like this: http://www.worldplants.com/mapleintro.htm